Teleporters make for very convenient spaceship design.
Published . 628 words.
Stepping onto the warp pad, Dave called out, “Ship, bathroom please.” The expected teleportation did not occur.
Ship emitted a sad tone, and the pad flashed red. “I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that.”
“Ship, why?”
“The bathroom warp pad is out of service.”
“Ship, why is the bathroom warp pad out of service?”
“The bathroom warp pad’s last diagnostic logging indicated gamma radiation levels in excess of operating tolerances.”
“Well how about the rest of the bathroom?”
“The toilet, bathtub, shower, refresher, sink, mirror, hairstylist, and twenty-four other items have also dropped offline. The toilet, bathtub, shower, refresher, sink, mirror, hairstylist, and twenty-four other items in the bathroom also logged gamma radiation levels in excess of operating tolerances.”
“Ship, what happened to the bathroom?”
“99.99999% of bathroom services have logged gamma radiation levels in excess of operating tolerances. The present status of the bathroom is unknown.”
“Do we have a spare bathroom.”
“The redundant backup bathroom accessible via warp is out of service.”
“Did it also experience ‘gamma radiation levels in excess of operating tolerances’?”
“Yes.”
“Is there a backup bathroom available to me without using the warp pad?”
“Searching.”
“While you search, can you contact the bathroom provider and ask them what’s up?”
“Contacting Toilets As A Service. You are now caller number 434,345,320 in our support queue. Estimated wait time is error. Would you like for us to call you back later?”
“Ship, cancel call. Are there any bathrooms physically available within my location?”
“Your swimming pool is physically capable of functioning as a bathroom in an emergency, as can your kitchen, though such use may result in a service fee.”
“After the last accident in the pool, I’d rather not. What’s the kitchen service fee?”
“Approximately zero point five percent of your present net worth.”
“The fuck?”
“Approximately zero point five percent of your present net worth.”
“Who set that?”
“The kitchen service provider, Kitchen Holdings LLC, set that as the fee for cleanup as the result of a number of incidents occurring on premises, to include defecation, urination, and spitting.”
“Who plans for such contingencies?”
“Kitchen Holdings LLC.”
“And Toilets As A Service is still down?”
“Yes.”
“Any news coverage of the outage?”
“Forwarding relevant news articles to your phone.”
“What does a supernova in Betelgeuse have to do with …. sigh They put all the toilets in the same system?”
“Last quarter’s shareholder summary mentioned that doing so had reduced operating costs by twelve percent. Your bathroom service fees decreased by ten percent, relative to before the change was made, with inflation taken into effect.”
“Are any other bathroom services taking new clients?”
“None that match your minimum preferences. Would you like to expand your search?”
“No, let’s just …. Can I poop in the airlock and have you evacuate the airlock into space?”
“Emission of solid waste in this travel lane will result in a fine of five to five hundred percent of your net worth.”
“Right. Can you fab me a container to store the poop and pee in until the bathroom is back online?”
“Please select a temporary toilet design from the menu:”
Dave chose one that looked usable and had good ratings.
“Your print will be complete in five hours.”
“Wait, pause print. I need to go now. Can you fab me something that works earlier?”
“Searching. Your breakfast bowl is already fabbed, and shares habitat with you. Please retrieve the breakfast bowl from the desk. Estimated travel distance: two feet.”